Relationship Philosophy Letter (written to a frustrated BYU resident)
Just thought I'd drop you a quick note since it's my lunch break and
we have an unfinished conversation. I don't know if I can write it
all today, but I'll start. I should first of all tell you that I learned many of the things I'm
going to tell you from my own mistakes and successes. Mostly
mistakes. I wish somebody had told me a few of these things early on. First of all, I told you last night the advice that helped me get
Lisa. It also helped me through several other sticky
semi-relationships that weren't meant to be, and it would have helped
me a TON if I had learned it earlier; to never, never, never push it
and never, never fight it. That's the BEST advice I EVER heard when
it comes to relationships. When I first met Lisa I was dumb-founded because I thought she was so
perfect for what I wanted. I was scared to ask her out - it took me
half a year to get the guts, but our first date was great, and so were
the next two. I didn't know what she thought about me, but I knew she
didn't have the crush on me that I had on her. At the end of our
third date I told her that I had had a fun time again with her, and
thought I should tell her my philosophy on dating. She was scared to
death of what I might say, but when I told her that I felt like you
should never push a relationship or fight it (with emphasis on the
PUSH). I told her that I was having a good time, and didn't see any
reason to stop having a good time and that's all. That totally took
the pressure off - it also helped me to set my heart in perspective.
After we both agreed that we would follow that philosophy we found
that our friendship grew deep long before our romance ever began.
Lisa, above all, became a best friend. She knew she could trust me.
I didn't try to hold her hand until it just happened. I didn't ever
try to kiss her until NOT kissing her would deny all my feelings AND
hers! At that time it came very naturally. I know from previous
relationships, however, that romance can totally confuse a
relationship that isn't deep in friendship. This brings me to the
definition of "pushing" a relationship can be - starting romance
before friendship. Some of this may apply to guys more than it does
you, but I had several friendships of mine go up in flames because I
wasn't good enough friends before romance started. Make sure
friendship is most important with everyone you know. This isn't
friendship designed to get romance either - it's sincere friendship.
The more friendships you work on, the better you get at this part.
Not just with guys you may have interest in, but with everyone. There's more, much more, but I have to go to class. Talk to you later!
Sincerely Your Friend,
Rich Part II
So we were talking about making friendship the basis of all your
relationships. This is one way of not letting things get ahead of you
emotionally. A classic example for me came when I met a girl at EFY
that seemed to like me ok. I let my interest in her develop into a
really intense crush. During my senior year in high school my crush
grew deeper, despite the fact that I didn't know her very well.
Still, we would go out occasionally, and I knew she was going to go to
BYU the next year. Somehow, unfortunately, my crush grew more intense
than our friendship - so much that I not only stiffled any chance of
our friendship growing into a closer relationship, but I actually hurt
our friendship. If I had let her know early on what I had told Lisa,
that I totally appreciated her FRIENDSHIP - that I valued her as a
FRIEND, I'm sure both of our lives would have been easier. You see,
it became obvious to her that I had really fallen hard for her - and
that wasn't easy for her to take since she didn't really know me THAT
well. It's hard to fall for someone who is way ahead of you
emotionally in the relationship. It scares you. It isn't natural,
and when it's not natural it doesn't work. That's another reason why
you can't "push it". That's another definition of what "pushing it"
can mean. Pushing a relationship into a place it doesn't belong - YET.
Guys and girls like to know that someone is a best friend before they
move further - don't you?
Ok, so enough on the friendship talk for now. Let's move on to
"Don't fight it". You told me you are picky - I understand because I
was picky too. Let me introduce you to a concept that I wish I had
internalized earlier on. Not fighting it applies to both sides of the
relationship. Not fighting it means letting the relationship move
forward when it starts to move forward, without letting little picky
things get in the way. I know that's hard, but little picky things
can prevent you from experiencing some of the greatest relationships.
Again, I need to use personal examples to illustrate this point.
When I came home from my mission I went to Weber for a semester and
met a really cool girl there. We had an absolute blast together every
time we went out. We were friends. We became better friends as time
went on because things were so natural between us. After two months I
was faced with a problem - that I was planning to go back to BYU and
she was not. I spoke with her about my dilemmna, and she listened
like a good friend would. She didn't tell try to push me one way or
the other. Well, long story short I started to fight the
relationship. The worst part about it was that I did much of the
fighting passively by not calling her any longer, or stopping by. It
was not natural and I knew it, but I was AFRAID of being hurt from
leaving her. I was afraid that I would get too close to her and then
not emotionally be albe to go back to BYU, where I had always planned
to be. Basically, I let my head govern my heart, and stop listening
to what my heart had to say. It hurt her, and it hurt me. It was
lame. If you love, you have to be willing to face the hurt. If I had
been willing to face the hurt with her I would have had a good memory
of everything that happened between us, instead of the LAME picture I
left behind. I should tell you that I did my best to fix the damage
done to our friendship after i came to BYU. But notice what got hurt?
Our friendship! If I had been a TRUE friend to her I wouldn't have
been so worried about the pain I would feel. I wouldn't let going to
BYU become a wedge between us. I would have followed the principle
"Don't fight it". I would have spent much more time talking with her
about my feelings, spending time on my own praying and reconsidering
everything on a daily basis instead of trying to PREDETERMINE that our
relationship should not become romantic because of something
peripheral. If the reason you decide not to give a relationship with
someone is based on peripheral stuff (and I'm not talking about things
like whether or not the other person is mormon, or wants a family, or
anything that effects eternity for that matter). I'm talking about
giving a chance to people that you traditionally might not have
because they just aren't tall enough, or cute enough, or rich enough.
You have to trust your own heart and God enough to know that you
aren't going to end up married to someone that you don't belong with.
Your heart will figure it out if it's wrong - I've been there. I've
dated two girls that I prayed with about marriage and recieved the
answer 'NO!' from God. My heart said yes, and my head mostly said yes
until I prayed, then God clearly told me NO. He also told them 'No!",
so we didn't get married. Was I sorry that I had ever dated these
girls and put so much time and energy into the relationship? No way!
I still care about them, and they are my friends for eternity. I made
it clear that their friendship mattered to me, and that I hoped we
would always be friends. It hurt to get out, but I'm so much a better
person for having been with those people. Here is another principle -
that the person you are with right now may not be THE person you are
supposed to be with forever, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't
play an important part of your life. They can become a link in a
chain of people that keep your heart alive. If your heart doesn't
feel pain, it won't feel joy. It your heart doesn't go through a
regular emotional workout, it will atrophy just like anything else
that isn't used. One thing worse than feeling pain from a
relationship that didn't work is feeling nothing. Nothing is LAME!
Nothing is what you feel when you stop caring. You don't get these
heart work-outs just from relationships with guys. You get them when
you volunteer with the different programs you're in. You get them
when you listen to a friend for far longer than you wanted to. You
get them from having charity - but the point is that they lead to
capacity for joy. Alma was able to feel a tremendous amount of joy in
his life, even to the point that he fell to the ground on several
occasions. Why? Because he had felt pain in his heart to level that
it made him fall to the ground. I always wished that I had allowed myself to feel more pain, because
there was always so much good that came from it than bad. Some people
have a talent for being able to have really deep relationships in
their lives. They get hurt more often, but they also love more
deeply. Moroni tells us to pray for charity, to plead that God will
give us the kind of charity that Christ had. Don't fight it - don't
fight the Spirit when you feel like you should do something that might
put your in a position that you could get hurt in. Don't fight your
heart when it tells you something a little different than your head,
especially if the Spirit is part of what is talking to your heart.
Things will work out for the best.
I'm sure you've already been doing much of what I'm talking to you
about. I'm sure that much of your "pickyness" has come from the fact
that you are able to identify people who interest you quickly, and
also identify people that would never work for you through little
things. Don't always trust them though. They can fool you. IF I had
known certain things about Lisa before I had fallen completely for
her, I may have been a dork and started fighting the whole thing.
Thank goodness I didn't know them! Thank goodness! Ok, I need to go back to class I think, but next time I'll try to pick
up where I left off. I'm having fun writing all this stuff because it's been in my head for
so long, but never on paper. I keep a copy for myself of course. Hope it's helpful and interesting for you!Sincerely,
Rich
"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in
other people than you can in two years by trying to get people
interested in you."
-Dale Carnegie"The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in
him than he is in a woman - any woman - with beautiful legs." -
Marlene Dietrich"The first general rule for friendship is to be a friend, to be open,
natural, interested: the second rule is to take time for friendship.
Friendship, after all, is what life is finally about. Everything
material and professional exists in the end for persons." - Nels F.
S. Ferre"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a
person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to
pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing
that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth
keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
- George Eliot
we have an unfinished conversation. I don't know if I can write it
all today, but I'll start. I should first of all tell you that I learned many of the things I'm
going to tell you from my own mistakes and successes. Mostly
mistakes. I wish somebody had told me a few of these things early on. First of all, I told you last night the advice that helped me get
Lisa. It also helped me through several other sticky
semi-relationships that weren't meant to be, and it would have helped
me a TON if I had learned it earlier; to never, never, never push it
and never, never fight it. That's the BEST advice I EVER heard when
it comes to relationships. When I first met Lisa I was dumb-founded because I thought she was so
perfect for what I wanted. I was scared to ask her out - it took me
half a year to get the guts, but our first date was great, and so were
the next two. I didn't know what she thought about me, but I knew she
didn't have the crush on me that I had on her. At the end of our
third date I told her that I had had a fun time again with her, and
thought I should tell her my philosophy on dating. She was scared to
death of what I might say, but when I told her that I felt like you
should never push a relationship or fight it (with emphasis on the
PUSH). I told her that I was having a good time, and didn't see any
reason to stop having a good time and that's all. That totally took
the pressure off - it also helped me to set my heart in perspective.
After we both agreed that we would follow that philosophy we found
that our friendship grew deep long before our romance ever began.
Lisa, above all, became a best friend. She knew she could trust me.
I didn't try to hold her hand until it just happened. I didn't ever
try to kiss her until NOT kissing her would deny all my feelings AND
hers! At that time it came very naturally. I know from previous
relationships, however, that romance can totally confuse a
relationship that isn't deep in friendship. This brings me to the
definition of "pushing" a relationship can be - starting romance
before friendship. Some of this may apply to guys more than it does
you, but I had several friendships of mine go up in flames because I
wasn't good enough friends before romance started. Make sure
friendship is most important with everyone you know. This isn't
friendship designed to get romance either - it's sincere friendship.
The more friendships you work on, the better you get at this part.
Not just with guys you may have interest in, but with everyone. There's more, much more, but I have to go to class. Talk to you later!
Sincerely Your Friend,
Rich Part II
So we were talking about making friendship the basis of all your
relationships. This is one way of not letting things get ahead of you
emotionally. A classic example for me came when I met a girl at EFY
that seemed to like me ok. I let my interest in her develop into a
really intense crush. During my senior year in high school my crush
grew deeper, despite the fact that I didn't know her very well.
Still, we would go out occasionally, and I knew she was going to go to
BYU the next year. Somehow, unfortunately, my crush grew more intense
than our friendship - so much that I not only stiffled any chance of
our friendship growing into a closer relationship, but I actually hurt
our friendship. If I had let her know early on what I had told Lisa,
that I totally appreciated her FRIENDSHIP - that I valued her as a
FRIEND, I'm sure both of our lives would have been easier. You see,
it became obvious to her that I had really fallen hard for her - and
that wasn't easy for her to take since she didn't really know me THAT
well. It's hard to fall for someone who is way ahead of you
emotionally in the relationship. It scares you. It isn't natural,
and when it's not natural it doesn't work. That's another reason why
you can't "push it". That's another definition of what "pushing it"
can mean. Pushing a relationship into a place it doesn't belong - YET.
Guys and girls like to know that someone is a best friend before they
move further - don't you?
Ok, so enough on the friendship talk for now. Let's move on to
"Don't fight it". You told me you are picky - I understand because I
was picky too. Let me introduce you to a concept that I wish I had
internalized earlier on. Not fighting it applies to both sides of the
relationship. Not fighting it means letting the relationship move
forward when it starts to move forward, without letting little picky
things get in the way. I know that's hard, but little picky things
can prevent you from experiencing some of the greatest relationships.
Again, I need to use personal examples to illustrate this point.
When I came home from my mission I went to Weber for a semester and
met a really cool girl there. We had an absolute blast together every
time we went out. We were friends. We became better friends as time
went on because things were so natural between us. After two months I
was faced with a problem - that I was planning to go back to BYU and
she was not. I spoke with her about my dilemmna, and she listened
like a good friend would. She didn't tell try to push me one way or
the other. Well, long story short I started to fight the
relationship. The worst part about it was that I did much of the
fighting passively by not calling her any longer, or stopping by. It
was not natural and I knew it, but I was AFRAID of being hurt from
leaving her. I was afraid that I would get too close to her and then
not emotionally be albe to go back to BYU, where I had always planned
to be. Basically, I let my head govern my heart, and stop listening
to what my heart had to say. It hurt her, and it hurt me. It was
lame. If you love, you have to be willing to face the hurt. If I had
been willing to face the hurt with her I would have had a good memory
of everything that happened between us, instead of the LAME picture I
left behind. I should tell you that I did my best to fix the damage
done to our friendship after i came to BYU. But notice what got hurt?
Our friendship! If I had been a TRUE friend to her I wouldn't have
been so worried about the pain I would feel. I wouldn't let going to
BYU become a wedge between us. I would have followed the principle
"Don't fight it". I would have spent much more time talking with her
about my feelings, spending time on my own praying and reconsidering
everything on a daily basis instead of trying to PREDETERMINE that our
relationship should not become romantic because of something
peripheral. If the reason you decide not to give a relationship with
someone is based on peripheral stuff (and I'm not talking about things
like whether or not the other person is mormon, or wants a family, or
anything that effects eternity for that matter). I'm talking about
giving a chance to people that you traditionally might not have
because they just aren't tall enough, or cute enough, or rich enough.
You have to trust your own heart and God enough to know that you
aren't going to end up married to someone that you don't belong with.
Your heart will figure it out if it's wrong - I've been there. I've
dated two girls that I prayed with about marriage and recieved the
answer 'NO!' from God. My heart said yes, and my head mostly said yes
until I prayed, then God clearly told me NO. He also told them 'No!",
so we didn't get married. Was I sorry that I had ever dated these
girls and put so much time and energy into the relationship? No way!
I still care about them, and they are my friends for eternity. I made
it clear that their friendship mattered to me, and that I hoped we
would always be friends. It hurt to get out, but I'm so much a better
person for having been with those people. Here is another principle -
that the person you are with right now may not be THE person you are
supposed to be with forever, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't
play an important part of your life. They can become a link in a
chain of people that keep your heart alive. If your heart doesn't
feel pain, it won't feel joy. It your heart doesn't go through a
regular emotional workout, it will atrophy just like anything else
that isn't used. One thing worse than feeling pain from a
relationship that didn't work is feeling nothing. Nothing is LAME!
Nothing is what you feel when you stop caring. You don't get these
heart work-outs just from relationships with guys. You get them when
you volunteer with the different programs you're in. You get them
when you listen to a friend for far longer than you wanted to. You
get them from having charity - but the point is that they lead to
capacity for joy. Alma was able to feel a tremendous amount of joy in
his life, even to the point that he fell to the ground on several
occasions. Why? Because he had felt pain in his heart to level that
it made him fall to the ground. I always wished that I had allowed myself to feel more pain, because
there was always so much good that came from it than bad. Some people
have a talent for being able to have really deep relationships in
their lives. They get hurt more often, but they also love more
deeply. Moroni tells us to pray for charity, to plead that God will
give us the kind of charity that Christ had. Don't fight it - don't
fight the Spirit when you feel like you should do something that might
put your in a position that you could get hurt in. Don't fight your
heart when it tells you something a little different than your head,
especially if the Spirit is part of what is talking to your heart.
Things will work out for the best.
I'm sure you've already been doing much of what I'm talking to you
about. I'm sure that much of your "pickyness" has come from the fact
that you are able to identify people who interest you quickly, and
also identify people that would never work for you through little
things. Don't always trust them though. They can fool you. IF I had
known certain things about Lisa before I had fallen completely for
her, I may have been a dork and started fighting the whole thing.
Thank goodness I didn't know them! Thank goodness! Ok, I need to go back to class I think, but next time I'll try to pick
up where I left off. I'm having fun writing all this stuff because it's been in my head for
so long, but never on paper. I keep a copy for myself of course. Hope it's helpful and interesting for you!Sincerely,
Rich
"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in
other people than you can in two years by trying to get people
interested in you."
-Dale Carnegie"The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in
him than he is in a woman - any woman - with beautiful legs." -
Marlene Dietrich"The first general rule for friendship is to be a friend, to be open,
natural, interested: the second rule is to take time for friendship.
Friendship, after all, is what life is finally about. Everything
material and professional exists in the end for persons." - Nels F.
S. Ferre"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a
person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to
pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing
that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth
keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
- George Eliot